Behold the stuff of nightmares.

Yesterday, Corey was nice enough to let me practice taking his vital signs and auscultate his heart and abdomen. Listening to bowel sounds is weird. I'm not a bowel expert yet, but Corey's symphony of sloshes, burbles, and gurgles sounded exactly as one would think bowels should sound.

I passed all of the skills tests today, although I thought all was lost when I put the blood pressure cuff on inside-out. I wonder what other embarrassing missteps will happen in my new career, aside from wearing a jaunty cap while assessing patients?

Today we practiced inserting and maintaining nasogastric feeding tubes. This is a skill that we have to practice on the dummies, although there were some maniacs who wanted to practice it on other classmates. I admit, I am a bit curious what it feels like. And being able to eat while you sleep seems incredibly efficient.

The College of Nursing has a picture of each of its graduating classes on the wall. My younger sister, Katie, is in the picture from 2004. I stop and look at it every once in a while, and think about how proud of her I am. She really had a lot to do with my decision to become a nurse. And I think how great it will be when my picture is on that wall.

Then I remember I am in a weirdo accelerated program, and that my picture probably won't go on that wall. Whatever. If I have to, I'll print a photo of myself and tape it there.

The Diplomat Motel, my iO group, had rehearsal today at Sheil Park. I normally dread Sunday rehearsals, but we had a good time today. Our coach, Charlie, printed out a running order from a random sketch show he found online, and we had to improvise what that show would be. Pictured above, Andy, Tristan, and Young perform "Gold Blend #3" while Laura, Martin, and Timmy look on.

In anticipation of going back to school, I tried to prioritize my activities and figure out what I would drop first if I had to start cutting things. It makes me sad to say it, but improv was going to be the first to go. I have been doing it for a while now, and I still enjoy it and am challenged by it, but with rehearsals and shows, it can take up a lot of time.

In anticipation of Martin's wedding, Trupe's baby, my schooling, and various other teammate conflicts, we moved rehearsals to a couple days a month for longer chunks of time. For now, problem solved; I still get to perform with some amazing people and continue doing something I too often take for granted.

Friday nights are tough. After a long week of school, I fell asleep on the couch after pasta and thirty minutes of a movie, completely eliminating the possibility of completing the Christian Bale double feature of "Rescue Dawn" and "3:10 to Yuma" I had been dreaming about all day. Then my roommate Justin started receiving text messages informing us that we were about to be kidnapped and brought to an undisclosed bar for a covert karaoke mission.

At 10:45, I found myself at The Hidden Cove, halfway through beer 1 and "I Think We're Alone Now" (Tommy James, not Tiffany). Then came "Windy", followed by everyone's favorite isn't-it-ironic-and-funny-that-i'm-singing-it karaoke song, "Baby One More Time". Thanks to Carol, Kristin, Dylan, Nick, and Justin for a totally funexpected evening.

P.S. I do not know the horrible woman in the above picture. She was a random Duet Slut that kept going around asking guys to sing with her. When I turned her down, she gave me a patronizing double handed face slap, then jumped on stage anyway while I was singing and tried to commandeer my song. If you see this woman at your local karaoke bar, beware. She is a disgusting animal, and needs to be stopped.

I have lived in Chicago for six years, but have never been a CTA commuter until now. As a student, I get this U-Pass card that gives me unlimited transportation for a nominal fee of $95/semester. I am determined to milk it for all it's worth.

For some reason, I used to have a romanticized view of taking the CTA everyday. I imagined my friends riding the rails, listening to their music and reading their interesting novels. I kind of looked forward to this lifestyle change. Now I realize what a fool I was.
By the time I catch the purple line at Howard, the train is so packed with Evanston commuters that seats can be hard to come by. Reading is all but impossible, as I spend most of my time trying to find stable footing as the express train lurches toward the Loop. By the time I get to where I'm going, I have motion sickness and want to punch Mr. Trenchcoat, who has been talking loudly on his phone and demanding more space than he deserves, in the mouth.

The afternoon commute is a little better, and the Red Line street musicians definitely lift my spirits before the long journey north. A double shot of "One Love" and "Is This Love" from a steel drum can do wonders for a weary traveler.

Today is the coldest I ever remember being. I might as well have been naked on my way to the train for all the good my jacket, hat, and gloves did. And I know people are tired of being cold, and tired of talking about the cold, and wondering when it won't be so cold, so I apologize.

Even the pigeons, normally gregarious scavengers, were huddled together under the CTA heat lamps trying to survive. Aside from the Lincoln Square Pigeon Man (RIP), I have never seen them trust humans to be so close to them. They were willing to sacrifice a bit of their personal space and comfort in the fight to stay alive.

I know I'm in the minority, but I think pigeons are hilarious and awesome. If they were a little more discreet with their droppings, I don't think anyone would have a problem with them. Last night Trupe told me about this pigeon book, which I plan on reading immediately.

Title: "Katy and Jackie-Tandem Auscultation" or"Nursing Students in Love" or "Second Opinion"

The manikins can be programmed to have all kinds of respiratory and cardiovascular problems, such as a systolic murmur or a mitral valve prolapse.
And they make sounds on command, such as saying "Yes" or "No", vomiting, and moaning.

Katy: He screamed when I was taking his blood pressure. Did I do something wrong?
Me: No, I pushed the Scream button.

Friends are important.

I finally busted out the stethoscope and sphygmomanometer today. This week we are covering vital signs and asepsis.
My blood pressure was 230/150, just about right considering my diet and lifestyle.
My girlfriend, Julie, was over and she let me practice taking her b.p. I thought I did everything correctly, but I could not find her brachial pulse.

Julie: They always have trouble finding a pulse. And taking blood.
Me: Hmm.
Julie: Maybe it's because I'm a robot.

Today was the annual Backrow Brunch at Alex and Darin's in Lincolnshire, which doubled as a baby shower for Trupe and Sarah.
The Backrow is the sketch group with which I perform, comprised mostly of college friends, with a few Chicago additions. Busy lives and parenthood have only allowed us to perform one show at each of the last few Sketchfests, but it's something I look forward to every year.
I also look forward to Alex's kugel every year, although Katie's fresh fruit tarts were a delightful surprise.
I feel a tiny bit of anxiety for not working today (again), but friends are important.

P.S. I'm still getting used to carrying a camera around with me, and I forgot it today. This picture is courtesy of Arnie, my friend and blog mentor. Check out his current blog, A Year in Pictures of Comedy.

Instead of doing schoolwork, I decided to finish Season 4 of The Wire. It is the best show ever to be on television, and if you disagree, I'll call you an idiot to your face. Was it worth the crippling feelings of guilt that I felt afterward for not being productive? Yes, but just barely.

And yes, that is your grandfather's wooden console TV. As much as I would love to have a 46" Samsung LCD (which I caress longingly every time I go to Best Buy), this old RCA has been a soldier and a friend.

Lunchtime in the Student Center. Notice the conspicuous lack of dudes in the picture. (Except for that guy in the back, who is not part of the program.)
I found a statistic online that said only 6% of nurses are men. In our program, we have about 9%: 4 men, 39 women.
A few of us were sitting in the lounge on Wednesday, reviewing hygiene procedures for our test. One student, I don't remember who, reminded everyone that it is important to offer a urinal to male clients when they are using a bedpan, because men often void their bladders while they are defecating.
In unison, six women looked to me for confirmation, which I gave by turning red and promptly exiting the lounge.

Dinner with friends at The Full Shilling. As far as Wrigleyville bars go, not a bad place. $1 burgers, $1 beers on Thursdays? Yes, please!

Trupe: So, when you're a nurse, what kind of stuff will you be doing?
Me: I don't know, working in a hospital.
Young: Can you convert an RV into a blood bank and drive it around the country collecting rare blood types?

Sarah and Trupe are expecting their first baby in March.

Trupe: Will you be able to deliver our child? Can you be ready in three months?
Me: Yeah, I'll skip ahead a few chapters.

Today we took our first lab practicals on Hygiene and Mobility. We had no idea what to expect, and most of us were pretty nervous. It's all stuff that will someday be second nature, but right now is intimidating. And I realized that I am terrible at talking to the manikins.

Here, Jenny holds a patient on its side while her partner performs a mystery task, probably some sort of wiping.

In the lab, we use manikins (yes, it is spelled correctly) to practice skills. Today we gave a bedbath, changed linens, used bedpans, practiced getting patients out of bed, and learned how to use various restraints. I saw a lot of plastic perineums.
I anticipate posting pictures of the manikins when I have nothing better, because I find them hilarious.

Question: Out of all the facial expressions to choose from, why did the manufacturer select "abject horror"?

It is important to greet your clients when you enter a hospital room. So, greetings all.
In 15 short months, I will be Matt Meador, R.N. But for now, I'm just a dude trying to be a student again.