Julie's sister Colleen and brother-in-law Marc live in Ann Arbor, so we stopped in on the way back to Chicago. We had a wonderful lunch, and their kids gave us many tattoos at the tattoo parlor they had set up in the living room. I felt bad removing the Shrek and princess peacock tats when I got home, but they were inappropriate for an academic and professional setting.

I had never seen the University of Michigan, so we decided to drive around for a little while. Kate and I, as good Illini, were going to drop a deuce on some sacred spot on the campus, but we didn't really know where to do it. It is a beautiful place, which maybe explains why most U of M grads I have met have the tendency to be such pompous a-holes when they talk about their school. Even the University cop who pulled me over was a jerk.

Cop: (angry and sarcastic) Is there a reason you're going the wrong way down a one-way street?

Me: There are a bunch of firetrucks up ahead, and there wasn't any other way to go.

Me (in my mind): You dickhead. Can't you see that there are multiple firetrucks behind me about 100 yards away responding to an emergency, blocking all routes of escape except for the one I am currently driving? Can you see the people behind me doing the same thing? If you were directing traffic like you should be, I never would have turned onto this street, so maybe you should get a clue and coordinate emergency response efforts with the fire department to ensure public safety instead of flaunting your authority over the proactive approach I took toward DRIVING AWAY FROM THE BOMB THREAT/CHEMICAL SPILL/DISEASED RESEARCH MONKEY ESCAPE THAT IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING WITHIN AN ELITE NFL QUARTERBACK'S THROWING DISTANCE OF US.

Cop: (beginning to realize he is an idiot) Well, next time don't do it again.

Me: Idiot.